It is excellent, is it not, to have a paedophile called "Swirly Face".
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Dawn, a little remembered contestant from Big Brother has been officially upheld as being smelly. She complained to Ofcom that she had been mistreated by the programme makers but Ofcom weren't having any of it.
Bizarrely she complained:
that footage that made reference to her "medical conditions including asthma, eczema, urticaria and skin allergies" had not been included in final footage.Yes, I'm sure - at the time - she would have been absolutely delighted for this panoply of unsightliness to have been reported in great depth on prime time television. It's clearly disgraceful that Russel Brand wasn't set free to do a three minute monologue on dermatological abnormalities.
Terry Wogan is threatening to quit commentating the Eurovision song contest because of the overwhelmingly political bias in the voting.
I suggest they listen to him or there'll be hell toupée.
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The fumes from paint can turn your sperm mutant, we're told.
"Men such as painters and decorators, who work with glycol solvents, are two-and-a-half times more likely to produce fewer 'normal' sperm."
Think on that the next time the wife's left looking like a plasterer's radio.
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In recent years five living people have been wrongly diagnosed as dead.
That's the most comforting news Gordon Brown has heard all week.
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There's a pressure group aiming to change the name of the nascent Shoreditch High Street tube station to "Banglatown".
The BBC news asked viewers to text in their potential renamings of other tube stations.
I vote that Mornington Crescent be renamed to "I Hate This Game, Please Let Me Die", which would end parts of a certain game show on a plaintive note.
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A Nintendo Wii has been told off by mum for calling her daughter fat.
I think this is a good thing. We complain now that kids don't get out enough. Well, in the absence of getting the kids out onto the streets I think we just have to bring the bullying into the home. If some kind of electronic advice can be made to instill insecurities into the young it keeps the kids safe whilst gearing them up for the awful experience of interacting with judgemental teens.
I know that if my first computer, the ZX Spectrum, had called me four eyes (it couldn't call me Speccy without being hypocritical) I would have been better prepared for the awfulness of secondary school.
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I like the two or three word definitions tabloids have to come up with to succinctly describe people in the news, so I'll be cataloging them as I find them and tag them "tabloid definitions".
Today, Josef Fritzl is described in the Daily Mirror as "cellar beast". Link
The Sun goes with "incest fiend" and "dungeon monster". Link
A station florist found negligent after a commuter slipped on a petal and injured himself has lost its bid to appeal against the decision.
Wonder what the commuter said as he went down. Presumably "whoops-a-daisy". Much underused, that, these days.
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Former London Mayor Ken Livingstone has been given his own weekly radio phone-in show on station LBC.
This is great news, because Ken's charismatic and engaging voice has always been his chief appeal.
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Brains is being used to advertise a bottled water in a video showing him pull off some nifty dance moves.
Of course he ought to be advertising the hideous Thunderbird wine, after which I suspect his moves would be somewhat less graceful.
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A Eurovision-style song contest could be held in the Middle East, it has been announced.
Tensions there might put a different complexion on such classic entries as Boom Bang-a-Bang.
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The US has announced a resumption of food aid to North Korea, which is believed to be facing famine this year.
In entirely unrelated news, several thousand blind Americans awoke to find their guides had gone missing in the night.
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A man who ram-raided a supermarket clad only in a sheet and a pair of Ugg boots has been jailed for four years.
So now he's really in the sheet.
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Bill O'Reilly shows British presenters how it should be done (swearing involved):
And an enterprising remix:
London police chief Sir Ian Blair has said murder is not "out of control" - despite the killing of 70 young people in the city in the past 18 months.
He told BBC London that he did not agree that London had become the "knife capital of the world".
"There are many cities around the world where knives would be pretty common," Sir Ian said.
"Our problem remains always that knives are in the kitchen drawer. Once we've successfully dealt that, we can move on and tackle spooning."
CHEEKY Australian Penthouse Pet of the Year Kobe Kaige poses naked for a PETA photoshoot in Melbourne today.
Um... isn't this stunt usually pulled by people who do not regularly go naked as a part of their job? Actresses and singers?
Tomorrow's headline: "Bank clerk sits behind desk for Burma."
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John McCain has said he would introduce an American version of prime minister's questions if elected US president.
"We American politicians are just as capable of evading a question as the British and it's time we had an opportunity to prove it."
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The number of crimes committed by girls in England and Wales has gone up by 25% in three years, according to statistics.
It's thought the figures would be much, much worse if they could throw.
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