The Topicana Jokes Are Free (temporary title)

Disc-Happy

2008-06-25T19:18:00.004+01:00

I subscribe to the Channel 4 News daily email. It arrives each day about two hours before the programme comes on. Today they've come out with an introduction that simply has to be read in the voice of Chris Morris:

What's in a computer disc? Just a sheet of plastic with a hole in it,
or a politically explosive time bomb? Alas, for the government it is
the latter tonight.

The investigation is into the missing computer discs from revenue and
customs that have never been recovered. The report suggests a
disc-happy culture in government and a failure to comprehend the scale
of the citizen's interest in keeping his and her taxation details
private. Tonight the report and the very red faces.

Ah, "disc-happy culture". When will we have a czar against or war on disc-happiness?

Brain Scans for Eyewitnesses

2008-06-18T15:02:00.003+01:00

Our memory plays tricks on us when we try to recall witnessing a crime [BBC]. So to circumvent that they're suggesting scanning people's brains to see if they actually recall something or whether they've just been addled by suggestion from other people, the police in particular.

Trouble is, I'm a jaded old beast. If they scanned my brain whilst trying to determine whether I remembered a murderer's coat when shown, they'd probably find I was thinking about Barbara Flynn in the nude or whether I would be leaving the station before the pubs close.

Strangely Chilling Headline of the Week

2008-06-05T01:17:00.003+01:00

Courtesy of the BBC:

Many children 'brush teeth alone'

Dog Fights

2008-06-03T08:20:00.001+01:00

The number of dog fights being reported has risen 15-fold in four years, according to figures from the RSPCA.

But shouldn't those figures come from the RAF?

Link

Two/Three Word Definitions

2008-06-02T21:05:00.002+01:00

It is excellent, is it not, to have a paedophile called "Swirly Face".

Link

O Brother

2008-05-27T15:48:00.003+01:00

Dawn, a little remembered contestant from Big Brother has been officially upheld as being smelly. She complained to Ofcom that she had been mistreated by the programme makers but Ofcom weren't having any of it.

Bizarrely she complained:

that footage that made reference to her "medical conditions including asthma, eczema, urticaria and skin allergies" had not been included in final footage.

Yes, I'm sure - at the time - she would have been absolutely delighted for this panoply of unsightliness to have been reported in great depth on prime time television. It's clearly disgraceful that Russel Brand wasn't set free to do a three minute monologue on dermatological abnormalities.

And one feels compelled to say: it was 2006 dear. Get over it.

Link

Wogan's Anger At Eurovision Voting

2008-05-27T14:10:00.001+01:00

Terry Wogan is threatening to quit commentating the Eurovision song contest because of the overwhelmingly political bias in the voting.

I suggest they listen to him or there'll be hell toupée.

Link

The Painters Are In

2008-05-26T19:44:00.003+01:00

The fumes from paint can turn your sperm mutant, we're told.

"Men such as painters and decorators, who work with glycol solvents, are two-and-a-half times more likely to produce fewer 'normal' sperm."

Think on that the next time the wife's left looking like a plasterer's radio.

Link

Diagnosis Death

2008-05-26T19:36:00.005+01:00

In recent years five living people have been wrongly diagnosed as dead.

That's the most comforting news Gordon Brown has heard all week.

Link

The Tube

2008-05-20T21:10:00.004+01:00

There's a pressure group aiming to change the name of the nascent Shoreditch High Street tube station to "Banglatown".

The BBC news asked viewers to text in their potential renamings of other tube stations.

I vote that Mornington Crescent be renamed to "I Hate This Game, Please Let Me Die", which would end parts of a certain game show on a plaintive note.

Link

Lose Some Wiit

2008-05-20T19:27:00.003+01:00

A Nintendo Wii has been told off by mum for calling her daughter fat.

I think this is a good thing. We complain now that kids don't get out enough. Well, in the absence of getting the kids out onto the streets I think we just have to bring the bullying into the home. If some kind of electronic advice can be made to instill insecurities into the young it keeps the kids safe whilst gearing them up for the awful experience of interacting with judgemental teens.

I know that if my first computer, the ZX Spectrum, had called me four eyes (it couldn't call me Speccy without being hypocritical) I would have been better prepared for the awfulness of secondary school.

Link

Two/Three Word Definitions

2008-05-20T18:01:00.004+01:00

I like the two or three word definitions tabloids have to come up with to succinctly describe people in the news, so I'll be cataloging them as I find them and tag them "tabloid definitions".

Today, Josef Fritzl is described in the Daily Mirror as "cellar beast". Link

The Sun goes with "incest fiend" and "dungeon monster". Link

Florist Loses Appeal In Petal Row

2008-05-20T15:03:00.002+01:00

A station florist found negligent after a commuter slipped on a petal and injured himself has lost its bid to appeal against the decision.

Wonder what the commuter said as he went down. Presumably "whoops-a-daisy". Much underused, that, these days.

Link

Ken Livingstone Lands Radio Show

2008-05-20T14:49:00.002+01:00

Former London Mayor Ken Livingstone has been given his own weekly radio phone-in show on station LBC.
This is great news, because Ken's charismatic and engaging voice has always been his chief appeal.

Link

Brains Behind New Web Craze

2008-05-19T19:44:00.003+01:00

Brains is being used to advertise a bottled water in a video showing him pull off some nifty dance moves.

Of course he ought to be advertising the hideous Thunderbird wine, after which I suspect his moves would be somewhat less graceful.

Link

Eurovision licence for Mid East

2008-05-19T19:02:00.001+01:00

A Eurovision-style song contest could be held in the Middle East, it has been announced.

Tensions there might put a different complexion on such classic entries as Boom Bang-a-Bang.

Link

US resumes North Korea food aid

2008-05-16T19:08:00.006+01:00

The US has announced a resumption of food aid to North Korea, which is believed to be facing famine this year.

In entirely unrelated news, several thousand blind Americans awoke to find their guides had gone missing in the night.

Link

Naked Ugg Boot Ram-raider Jailed

2008-05-16T18:25:00.001+01:00

A man who ram-raided a supermarket clad only in a sheet and a pair of Ugg boots has been jailed for four years.

So now he's really in the sheet.

Link

How The News Should Be Delivered, Courtesy of Bill O'Reilly

2008-05-16T16:02:00.002+01:00

Bill O'Reilly shows British presenters how it should be done (swearing involved):

And an enterprising remix:

Sir Ian Blair on Knife Culture

2008-05-16T01:43:00.002+01:00

London police chief Sir Ian Blair has said murder is not "out of control" - despite the killing of 70 young people in the city in the past 18 months.

He told BBC London that he did not agree that London had become the "knife capital of the world".

"There are many cities around the world where knives would be pretty common," Sir Ian said.

"Our problem remains always that knives are in the kitchen drawer. Once we've successfully dealt that, we can move on and tackle spooning."

Link

Anti-fur Babe Poses Naked

2008-05-15T18:05:00.004+01:00

CHEEKY Australian Penthouse Pet of the Year Kobe Kaige poses naked for a PETA photoshoot in Melbourne today.

Um... isn't this stunt usually pulled by people who do not regularly go naked as a part of their job? Actresses and singers?

Tomorrow's headline: "Bank clerk sits behind desk for Burma."

Link

Presidential Question Time

2008-05-15T17:37:00.006+01:00

John McCain has said he would introduce an American version of prime minister's questions if elected US president.

"We American politicians are just as capable of evading a question as the British and it's time we had an opportunity to prove it."

Link

Girl Crime

2008-05-15T14:31:00.005+01:00

The number of crimes committed by girls in England and Wales has gone up by 25% in three years, according to statistics.

It's thought the figures would be much, much worse if they could throw.

Link

Hello

2008-03-20T23:05:00.004Z

If you're looking for "Bodnotbod's Ad-verse Reaction" - well, I'm shifting everything about at the moment so this is all there is.

The only (but excellent) reason for returning to www.bodnotbod.org.uk for now is to fill your boots with some Kettering.

I shall have a first article here soon.